Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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