the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
