instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
