Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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