cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
