R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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