im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
