I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
