Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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