You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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