Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
