Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
