What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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