True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
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