I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
