ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
