she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
