I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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