So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
