It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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