Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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