I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
