I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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