Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
