I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
