so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
