i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
