You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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