Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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