If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
