I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
