he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
