So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
