R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
