I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I think my moral compass just broke
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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