Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
