There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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