Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
