thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
