There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize