cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
