i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
