considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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