if i can run in heels then i can drive
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
