sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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