That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Soap is not a condiment
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize