ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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