I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
