Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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