I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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