White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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