i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
