Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
