Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
