He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
