Moan for me like Helen Keller
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
There's always time for handjobs
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize