just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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