i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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