Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
